why do women like books like 50 shades of grey

She becomes 'avid for the electric moment when a man's slowly exploring hand finally settled on her clitoris and found it already plump and wet' and if a man's slowly exploring hand isn't around, she quickly discovers that her own will do almost as well. Once our porky adolescent heroine, Billy, slims down and becomes a beeyootiful laydee, with a wardrobe full of fine clothes that both reader and author spent at least as much time slavering over as they do the sex scenes, there is no stopping her.

It's one of the tricks the exotic Prince Abdullah of Foreignstan was taught at his special sex-training school, where all Foreignstan's young royal males are – fortunately for the womenfolk of certain Swiss finishing schools, if not for their aquatic pets – sent. But what people really remember about Lace is the moment when it becomes clear that Conran's most famous quote 'Life's too short to stuff a mushroom' actually continues 'but not too short to stuff a goldfish up your hoo-ha'. Let your pals dwell on the damage that could have been done without such early and formative instruction. When people ask you what the value of reading is, you could do worse than point them in the direction of page 82 of Shirley Conran's extremely bonky bonkbuster, where four friends at a Swiss finishing school – once they've got the hang of avoiding penile fractures – shag everything in sight.

Did you bend it forwards? Did you rotate it? Could it snap off?' The sensual beauty of a young girl's first handjob. 'Maxine was terrified of doing something wrong, of hurting him.

Why do women like books like 50 shades of grey